how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
