We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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