I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
