May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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