When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
