Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
