i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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