I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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