shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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