You made me cry and you don't even care
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
