Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
he was CRYING into my vagina
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
