I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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