The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
