just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
