Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
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