I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
