I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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