this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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