I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
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