It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
