My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
