i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
