I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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