Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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