I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I touched a dick in church today
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
