Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
