I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
