How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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