dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Randomize
