Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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