Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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