what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
