tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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