I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
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