Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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