apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
