I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
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