Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
