you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
