Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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