So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
