Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
