i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
