i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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