this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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