My sheets look like a crime scene.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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