i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
