Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
