I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Sober January is a disaster.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Randomize
