Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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