my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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