I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
