the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
