Moan for me like Helen Keller
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
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