I cockslap morals
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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