please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
